


I could love you, but I don't

by gyuhyun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Reality, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 23:20:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2559488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyuhyun/pseuds/gyuhyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Have you ever felt a potential love for someone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I could love you, but I don't

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for this [prompt](http://exopromptmeme.livejournal.com/6258.html?thread=2176882#t2176882) on [](http://exopromptmeme.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://exopromptmeme.livejournal.com/)**exopromptmeme**

Jongin smiles and claps as the MC talks about the artists and the albums that are currently in the running for the number 1 spot. His heart is hammering in his chest in anticipation and he doesn't quite know what to expect. Even though they had won at Music Bank yesterday, he's still uncertain about the their fate today.

The screen is showing their scores for each of the criteria they're being judged on and Jongin holds his breath. There is that moment where it seems like EXO and the other artist is tied, but it doesn't last long as the numbers on EXO's scoreboard rise just that little bit more.

Jongin feels like he can't breathe still as the MC's announce that they've won and he turns to the person beside him for support. What he sees then is definitely not what he was expecting.

Kyungsoo is smiling up at him, eyes glistening with unshed tears and his hand is on Jongin's arm as if he understands Jongin's need for support (and maybe he does). The sight makes it even harder to breathe and talk.

"We won," Kyungsoo whispers excitedly as Joonmyun takes the mic from the MC and begins a small speech of thanks. Jongin and Kyungsoo are barely listening, too trapped in their own world.

"We did. We won again," Jongin says although his voice is breaking because of his unshed tears. Kyungsoo's smile only becomes brighter as he envelopes Jongin in a much needed hug (which Jongin did not know he needed until then).

Jongin smiles then and Kyungsoo stares right into his eyes and he doesn't know if his heart is skipping beats or is his breath taken away. He's not sure about what he's feeling exactly or what's going on but it sure feels like that.

"Congratulations to EXO," Kyungsoo says, smile still so bright and Jongin leans his forehead onto his.

"Congratulations to us," He whispers back as he holds Kyungsoo just as close.

He ignores whatever it is he's feeling that isn't quite as prominent as the happiness he feels in this moment.

 

 

 

 

It's late into the night now and Jongin should be sleeping, really, but he can't seem to stop thinking about what happened at Music Core during the ending.

The image is still clear in his mind. He can still see Kyungsoo's smile, still feel his breath as he congratulated them and still feel that aching sensation in his heart as they held each other close. He doesn't quite understand.

"Jongin, go to sleep." Jongdae scolds as he turns in his bed. And Jongin mumbles an apology before turning into a comfortable sleeping position, not knowing he had been bothering his hyungs.

As soon as his eyes close, the image plays in his mind again like a flashback and he falls asleep with a heavy heart.

 

 

 

 

Jongin watches Kyungsoo closely as the days go by. He observes him in a way he’s never done before. He notices the smiles he gives out to everyone, the tiredness in his eyes as the nights pass by, the crack in his voice from practicing too hard and he sees it all differently this time.

He also observes the way they interact, taking note of things that used to be so innocent, so natural and realizing how different things could mean.

They look into each others’ eyes and Kyungsoo smiles at him and Jongin smiles back. He thinks about what that look could mean. Kyungsoo holds his hand, squeezes it and he can’t help and wonder why.

He goes to bed that night thinking of when had he become so intimate with Kyungsoo. It had never seemed like that before. It was only touches and looks before. It was never supposed to mean anything, but what were they doing now? He doesn’t know himself. He’s beyond confused.

Does he love Kyungsoo, then? Does he have feelings for him like that?

He knows he doesn’t but why do they act like lovers when they’re not.

 

 

 

 

They win another award and Jongin is so happy he feels the need to embrace everyone he sees. It just so happens that when he turns, Kyungsoo is already opening his arms wide for him and Jongin rushes to be enveloped in that warmth.

Kyungsoo hugs him like he’s never really hugged Jongin before. He holds him tight and rubs his back soothingly and Jongin feels like crying again. It’s been a while since he’s been hugged like this, like he’s home. He feels so happy as he holds Kyungsoo tightly in his arms and Kyungsoo does the same. They hold on just for a little bit more, a little bit longer than the rest of the hugs they will give the other members. Jongin doesn’t think about what that could mean. He just basks in the feeling of happiness at being held.

 

 

 

 

Jongin lies in his bed and thinks about what he’s doing with Kyungsoo, what they’re doing with each other and just why. It’s not as if they mean for it to happen. It just does really. He sighs and turns in his bed.

“Jongin, if you have a problem, you might as well talk about it,” Jongdae says from his own bed, pulling his headphones down. “I can hear your depression through my happy music.”

“Sorry, hyung,” Jongin says sitting up and Jongdae does, too.

“So what’s been bothering you lately?”

“I - Hyung, have you ever felt like you’re in love with someone but you’re not?” Jongdae gives him a weird look and Jongin tries to think of a way to better explain his thoughts. “I mean, you act intimately with another person and you feel like you’re in love with them but you know you’re not.”

Jongdae thinks about his question and shakes his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that.”

Jongin can’t help but feel disappointed because he really needed someone to understand his situation.

“Why don’t you elaborate?” Jongdae tells him then and Jongin thinks it’s worth a try.

“It’s just that recently I’ve realized I could be in love with this person. We act intimately with each other and we do all sorts of things only lovers would do. When I look at that person, I feel like I could be home, I could be safe... I could be in love. But I know I’m not and it’s weird because we do all these things that make me confused as to what we really are. But what we really are is just friends.” He rambles and Jongdae nods.

“I think you may be over analyzing your situation.” Jongdae says tentatively as if he’s trying to organize his thoughts as he says them. “We’re in the industry where it’s ok to do what you do. It’s called fanservice and along the way, it can’t be helped that your movements, actions and intentions become naturally intimate.”

“I don’t think you’re in love, and you know you’re not. You could though, I don’t think that’s impossible, but don’t. You’re only going to get yourself hurt.” Jongdae warns.

“I just - I think it would have been nice, if I could have fallen in love with him.” Jongin mutters. He doesn’t notice that Jongdae realized his situation, that he’d been found out after he had tried to not make it seem like he was talking about one of the members.

“It would be easy, that’s for sure. But you’d only hurt yourself. Take it from me.” Jongdae says with a little bit of sad smile. He puts a hand on Jongin’s knee and pats it before squeezing.

“Don’t think that just because you could means that you would.” Is the last thing Jongdae says before going back to his music.

Jongin doesn’t bother to find out what Jongdae meant, or who it was Jongdae may have been referring to. He’s too wrapped up in his own feelings.

 

 

 

 

They’re at another event in China and Kyungsoo’s sitting beside him. He rubs the back of his neck like he usually does when he notices that Kyungsoo seems nervous. Kyungsoo looks at him then and smiles in thanks.

Jongin thinks he could definitely fall in love with this. He definitely could if he would allow himself. It would be easy to love that smile, that face and this person. But he can’t and he doesn’t.

He isn’t in love with Kyungsoo and this is all just for show. 


End file.
